Offer a genuine apology: Why it makes everyone feel better

The RDH magazine article by Shelly Turner, “The difference between apologizing and not apologizing in a professional setting,” plus her recent appearance on the RDH Magazine Podcast, prompted readers and listeners to submit questions to Shelly. The common theme of these questions—how do you know when an apology is sincere? Here she takes the time to discuss this because sincerely apologizing is a topic that’s important to Shelly, and one she hopes readers will take to heart, both in the dental practice and in their personal lives.

Are you an imperfect person capable of making mistakes, yet you wish to maintain healthy connections both personally and professionally? Is your answer “yes”? Then you should understand the importance of a genuine apology and know when a genuine apology is not being offered, and the possible reasons why. What’s the potential impact of not giving a genuine apology?

The characteristics of a genuine apology are recognizing that a mistake has taken place, who made it, who was harmed, how they were harmed, and how the offender will make amends. If any of these are missing, a genuine apology is not being given.

Why withhold a genuine apology?

Two reasons a genuine apology may not be forthcoming: fear of repercussions and lack of awareness. Fear comes from the possible repercussions of taking responsibility for the mistake. Repercussions come in all shapes and sizes, from losing a privilege to losing employment. A teenager making the mistake of staying out past their curfew may lose the opportunity to go to the school dance, whereas a working person could lose their job.

Lack of awareness, in my experience, is just as prevalent as fear of repercussions. People don’t realize they’re not expressing a genuine apology. They may not realize this because their previous apologies were always accepted, they’re not invested enough in the relationship to pay attention, or they don’t recognize the mistake as a mistake.

How to recognize a mistake

How does someone not recognize their mistake? Generally, it’s because they did not intend any malice from their words or actions. I believe it’s safe to say all, if not most, of us have said or done something that was not received in the manner we intended.

The impact of not giving a genuine apology could be losing a relationship that you value, whether personal or professional. If you don’t lose the relationship, it may change so that there are negative impacts on the relationship in other ways.

The benefits of a genuine apology

The goal is to learn to offer a genuine apology despite the potential repercussions. According to Robert Taibbi, “Apologies are not about right and wrong, an argument about which reality is right, but instead about something else: taking responsibility for unintentionally (or yes, sometimes intentionally) hurting someone emotionally or physically.”¹

A genuine apology means taking responsibility and says that you care about the other person(s). A genuine apology is different than just saying words that are expected, not to mention that receiving a genuine apology feels different and good.

Genuine apologies can take the sting out of an unintended hurt or can save a relationship from dissolving. Genuine apologies elevate relationships because they show the injured person that the relationship has value to the person who made the mistake. So, give someone a genuine apology and elevate!

Reference

1. Taibbi R. The art of the apology. Psychology Today. November 11, 2018. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201811/the-art-the-apology